February 5, 1919

All is not quiet along the Seine tonight. Trouble is brewing and it comes from the experts of the Inquiry¹ who, to the number of two or three score, came over on the George Washington with the President determined to put the unruly peoples of Europe, Asia, and Africa in their proper places and make the world safe for democracy. They have served formal complaint to the effect that they are not in the close touch with the President, or with his lieutenant, House, to which they are entitled and the critical world situation demands. Since the day they had the privilege of holding “common council” with the chief of our delegation, our crusading President, on the voyage to France they complain that they have only had one conference with him and that it only lasted five minutes.

This morning, although it was raining cats and dogs, Mrs. House came into the office and said, “I wish you would take my lamb for a walk, under the colonnades of the rue de Rivoli so that he will not get wet to the skin, and tell him one of your stories about life in Korea, which amuse him so much. They must be nice people—at least they are not here squabbling and raising ‘foreign issues,’ which are so perplexing.”

This gave me my cue. Mercifully, however, I did not tell Mrs. House that while they had not, as yet, arrived, at least two Korean delegations were on their way to Paris with fully justified complaints against the arrogant Japanese supremacy under which they suffer.

In a few words the Colonel who now came in began to explain the quandary in which the President found himself. “The men of the Inquiry point out that at least once a week Lloyd George convokes the prime ministers from the Dominions, discusses with them the progress of the negotiations, and outlines his plans for the next stage. Why should the President not follow this example with the men of the Inquiry?

“I can only insist,” continued the Colonel, “that the over-burdened President would like to do this but has not the time for these meetings in ‘common council’ of which he speaks so often but so rarely indulges in. But barring these conferences, everything possible has been done for the members of the Inquiry. For the most part they are lodged in the Crillon, they are close at hand for consultation, they have a spacious conference room where they get together to discuss the ever-changing situation, and their reports when they do arrive, not I think as promptly as we could wish, are carefully considered.”

Here I thought to rush in with what I hoped would prove a consoling thought. “How natural it is,” I argued, “that the men of the Inquiry do not understand what their function is. Like all of us they were totally unprepared for the unexpected war, and now they are taken by surprise, as we all are, by the sudden peace. We are still in the shirt-sleeved stage of our diplomacy. Now in Korea—” Here the Colonel pricked up his ears; “Tell me about that,” he said eagerly.

“Well, in Korea,” I went on, “while the government has not prospered, it has survived for hundreds of years and its leaders have learned to manage some things better than we do. For instance, in Seoul the high officials just naturally fall into two categories. One is that of the Mandarins-Help-Discuss, the other is that of the Mandarins-Help-Decide. When they are summoned to the palace, in a crown council over which the king presides, the Mandarins-Help-Discuss make the welkin ring with their varied plans and proposals for or against the solution of the pending problem that has been placed before them. In the meantime, the Mandarins-Help-Decide just sit in silence and listen and sweat. It would be a gross breach of etiquette for them to put in a word—even edgeways.

“When their voices have grown husky and their vocal chords are exhausted, the Mandarins-Help-Discuss announce that their last word has been spoken and with great ceremony they withdraw. These lucky fellows now go where their fancies lead them. Some to a monastery to reflect on the possibilities of the future life; others go to some pleasant mountain glade and enjoy a picnic with their lady friends leaving the Mandarins-Help-Decide in the council chamber to face the grim business of decision. If the men of the Inquiry could only be brought to appreciate how fortunate they are in being expected to function simply as Mandarins-Help-Discuss, everybody would be happier and things would move more smoothly. And,” I added, “I certainly welcome the advantages of my Mandarin-Help-Discuss position.”

The Colonel laughed and evidently told the story to the President for, several evenings later when I was interpreting for him at the Covenant Commission, and was in a decidedly light-hearted mood because M. Bourgeois was down with a cold and could not pontificate, he said, “Mandarin-Help-Discuss! How wise it is for you to appreciate the advantages of your position!”

Unfortunately the yarn got about, and unfortunately not precisely in the form in which I had related it. The men of the Inquiry quite distinctly were not amused, and at times they assumed a somewhat sullen attitude toward those of us members of the Colonel’s “family” who inevitably are in closer touch with the kaleidoscopic changes of the day-to-day situation than they are.

Speaking seriously, some of these experts were very competent and their services would have been most valuable if the “rush” and creaking mechanism of the Conference had made it possible to make fuller use of them. But truth compels me to admit that in their number there were misfits as well, and the newspaper correspondents were inclined to poke fun at them, fun which was not always good-natured. One of these mischievous fellows brought out the fact (and fact it was) that while one of the experts had been for six months in the troubled zone, to the elucidation of which he was assigned, these months had been spent in the darkness of a cave where the picture writings of men of an era that even preceded the blossoming of the Cro-Magnon race awaited interpretation. “What enlightening facts as to present-day conditions can you expect from this sojourner in the dark cave?” was the cynical inquiry at one of the Colonel’s press conferences. Then, as always, the Colonel loyally supported the Inquirers. “I seem to remember,” he countered, “that Diogenes, or some other great researcher, sought and found truth at the bottom of a well. I have no reason to doubt that W… met with equal success in the recesses of his cave.”