April 25, 1919

“Tonechka, darling, open. … It’s I … I. … Don’t you know me?”

I throw myself upon her neck. I kiss her and cry. How strange! Why am I so glad to see her? She is an utter stranger to me. My brother’s wife. And she is harsh, unkind. Her neck is bony. And she is not glad to see me now. I feel this through my tears. And still, I keep kissing her for some reason. “Have you brought anything?”

“Oh, Tonechka, forgive me, I haven’t brought any bread. I have traveled all the way without food myself. Here in the bag there’s still a little piece left, and the crumbs. … Just a minute, Tonechka.”

And Tonka looks at me with a heavy and hostile glance, and gazes with great curiosity at my bags. I am sure she thinks that mama has refused to send anything from the country. But we had no bread ourselves; we lived on nothing but potatoes. Oh, how greedy and unpleasant she looks! Even my hands tremble. Feverishly I untie the bags and shake the crumbs out upon the kitchen table. I untie them all, all.

“Here, mother sent some dried mushrooms for papa and Shura (Shura, diminutive form of the name Alexander.) … a little butter … and pot-cheese. And there is nothing more, not even for papa.” Antonina is bitterly disappointed, but she says: “Well, never mind, we really don’t need it. We’re not in want. Only, papa is starving. He’ll grumble because you haven’t brought anything.”

“What? You’re not starving and you’re letting daddy starve? Are you living apart?”

“Yes, yes. … And it’s your pop’s notion. You don’t know yet what a miser he’s become! When he goes to work, he locks his door. As if we were thieves. Well, never mind, let’s go in and have some tea.”

Ah, how my heart began to ache! Is this the way for relatives to live? Is it possible that my dad has grown so miserly? I have not seen him for eight months. If he is so stingy, how will he act when he sees me?

I enter the room and see little Tamarochka sitting on the bed. She has just awakened and she has nothing on but her nightie. Her little knees are pink and dimpled.

“Tamarochka, Tamarochka, my angel! It’s I, Auntie Fea! Do you know your auntie? Tonechka, look, she’s a darling! Isn’t she a darling!”

I love Tamarochka with all my heart. I whirl her around the room like mad. Suddenly Alexander enters.

He sees me and looks glad. God, how thin and pale he is! I know that he cares more for me than for the others, but I am always rude to him. I love him in a way, but there is something shrinking and pitiful about him. He is the oldest brother, but he looks stupid.